War and Soul
by Jezebel Parks
Summary: AU - Pin-Mei is an intern at a military hospital, fresh out of class and as klutzy as they come. But when Tao Ren, a wounded marine with a heart of ice, is assigned to her, she learns what's truly important, and what it really means to be a nurse.
1. Chapter 1

Title: War and Soul

Author: lunchy (Jezebel Parks)

Fandom: Shaman King

Pairing: Tao Ren/Xu Pin-Mei (oc)

Theme: #18 - "Say ah..."

Disclaimer: Shaman King was created by Hiroyuki Takei. All rights belong to him.

**Notes:** This fic is an AU

Ren's tone of voice, for the most part, lacks pitch and expression.

This is an entry for a pair claiming in an internet community, thus the odd setup.

**

* * *

**

**War and Soul: Chapter One**

**

* * *

**

"Hurry up, new girl,"

"Y-Yes, ma'am!"

Pin-Mei scuttled over to her new boss, a tall woman with love handles and red hair tied back in a tight bun. She looked the intern over.

"You're a small one, aren't you?"

"Y-Yes, ma'am!"

She sighed. "Stop saying that and go to this room." She handed the girl a clipboard.

Pin-Mei flipped through the pages, her eyes falling on the wounded soldier's name. She glanced at the small photo that was paper clipped to the packet. "He's Chinese..."

"That's exactly why we're giving him to you."

She looked up, alarmed. "M-Me?! But I don't know how to do anything!"

"But you can speak Chinese, can't you? Your parents immigrated here when you were just a child, but you still speak it, right? He didn't respond to us at all when we tried to tell him what we were going to do and that we were going to help him, so the surgeon concluded he probably doesn't know any English." She turned away from her to sort papers, as if the conversation was over.

"I...I can, but if he doesn't speak English, why wasn't he transferred to a hospital in China?"

The head nurse sighed. "We didn't have time for that. The patient was shot multiple times in the chest. He would have been dead by the time we got him there...And just make sure you can stomach his face."

Pin-Mei swallowed nervously. Her tolerance of blood had improved since she was younger, but deformities still gave her a sick feeling. She closed the packet. "Alright. Leave it to me!" she cried, trying to sound energetic.

"Just get out so I can finish sorting these files."

"Y-Yes, ma'am!" She quickly turned and started toward the room. She knew that her boss wasn't intentionally being mean, it was just her disposition. Knowing this, she tried not to take what she said personally. Her pace slowed as she glanced around the halls. "Room 312..." After scanning the signs beside the doors, she found the room and crept over to it. Her hand grasped the doorknob as she prepared to meet her patient face to face.

_Just smile. If you act happy, he'll feel more relaxed._

Finally, she opened the door. "Good morning!" she said in a cheery voice, a closed-eye smile on her face. "I'm Pin-Mei and I'll be your caretaker from today on."

Silence. She slowly opened her eyes, ready to take in the image of her patient's marred face that her superior had warned her about. But his face was turned away from her, staring out of the only window in the room.

_Did he lose his hearing? Is that why he isn't talking to anyone?_ She straightened. _I guess I should try talking to him in Chinese..._

"_**Um, sir, are you alright?**_" she asked as she reached out to touch his shoulder.

"Don't touch me."

She flinched and pulled back. His voice had been low and curt.

"S-So you can speak English after all..." she whispered.

"Of course I can," he shot back. "It's a requirement to join the US Marine Corps. You work in a military hospital; I would expect you to know that."

"Well...I...Um...I'm new...so I..."

"It doesn't change the fact that you went through basic training, does it."

Defeated, she looked at the ground. "Mr. Tao...Why are you so abrasive?"

"Are you insinuating that someone in my position doesn't have the right to be bitter."

She shook her head, not that he could see. "No, not at all...It's just..." She whimpered, sniffling as tears came to her eyes. "...I'm trying to help you, and you're taking your anger out on me when I've done nothing wrong."

He sighed, annoyed. "Stop crying. Just go do something nurse-like. Make yourself useful."

She smiled, eager to show him just how useful she could be. "Yes, of course. Would you like a magazine, a book, or a movie, maybe?"

"Get me some milk."

"Of course!" Pin-Mei put the clip board in the plastic file outside the door and walked to the refrigerator room to get a bottle of milk. She quickly returned and placed it in the plastic movable tray attached to the bed. The marine still wouldn't look at her. It was as if he was trying to hide his face.

"Here you are, Mr. Tao." She moved the tray in front of him, going a little further than she needed to in an effort to see what his face looked like.

"You don't need to turn it so much," he snapped at her.

She stepped back. "You're right. I apologize." _I didn't get to see anything…_

He removed the cap and took a drink. "Next time, get skim milk," he said coarsely as he set the bottle on the tray again. "Whole milk will make me fat. And I won't be able to work out for a while, so that will just make it even worse."

"Okay…" She glanced down. She had failed. Her patient wasn't about to allow her to win him over so easily, and she knew it. She looked up again to see him turning back to the window. He had turned to look at her, and she had missed it.

"I'll call you when I'm hungry. You can leave now."

Without another word, Pin-Mei backed out of the room, closing the door softly. She sulked, her gaze once again at the ground.

"Boy, do I feel sorry for you."

She jumped, covering her mouth so she wouldn't scream. Once she had caught her breath, she turned around to see another nurse standing behind her. However, unlike her, she wasn't an intern, but fully registered, as evidenced by the small pin on her breast pocket.

"A-Anna! What are you doing here?"

"I heard they decided to dump this guy on you, so I came to see how close you were to crying," she said flatly.

"I-I wasn't crying!"

Anna sighed, then took the clipboard off the wall. "Did you even read the whole thing?"

Pin-Mei looked down, clicking her heels together. "I…skimmed…it?"

"Pathetic. Don't you realize how important it is to know everything about your patient before you start treating them? What if he's allergic to something you serve him? Honestly, I know you're a klutz and a crybaby sometimes, but even you should understand that old saying, 'knowing is half the battle'."

"I'm sorry…"

"Don't apologize to me. Apologize to _him_." She hit her head lightly with the clipboard, holding it there. "You seem to have some free time, so go read this. **All of it**."

Pin-Mei took it from her. "Y-Yes ma'am."

"Good." She took one of intern's long braids and used it to pull her away. The girl shrieked a little, but stood it for the next few seconds until Anna let go.

"Ow…" she moaned, holding the braid. "That hu--,"

"Is he as much of an ass as everyone says?"

"What?"

"No one wanted to be assigned to him because of how he acted when he was brought here. Everyone thought he was a foreigner since he didn't talk to anyone, making us think he didn't know a word of English. I, on the other hand, knew better."

"Because you need to be fluent in English to be in the Marine Corps, right?"

"Right."

"If you knew, why didn't **you** volunteer to take care of him?"

"I knew I'd end up killing him. He doesn't seem to be all sunshine, flowers, and Reese's cups."

"Yeah…"

"Celia dumped him on you since she knew you wouldn't object. Poor you."

"I guess…"

"Well, just read that and see if you can't break him down somehow. If you try, I'm sure you'll have him shitting puppies and pissing rainbows in no time."

She looked at her nervously. "A-Anna…"

Her friend turned and walked away. "Just don't piss him off, alright? Then we'll all have to hear about it."

"Y-Yes, ma'am..."

She glanced down at the clipboard again. "How much can this really tell me?" After standing in the middle of the hallway for close to five minutes, she punched out in order to take her lunch break. As she got her wallet from her locker on her way to the cafeteria, she glanced out the window. "Aww, it's snowing! So pretty!"

A calendar near her read "December 13". Pin-Mei let out a sigh. "I still need to finish getting presents for my family...I hate being poor."

Sitting down at one of the tables with a lunch consisting of a bowl of Italian Wedding Soup, a glass of cranberry juice, and a small bag of Doritos, Pin-Mei started looking through the packet.

"Let's see...height...weight...colors...blah..." Her eyes widened as she came to his educational background. "H-H-H-H-HARVARD?? THAT GUY??"

"SHH!!"

She looked around to see patients and their families, along with other hospital staff staring at her, some glaring. Embarrassed, she turned back to her packet.

_He was studying medicine...but why did he leave such a prestigious school to join the marines? He had so much going for him...What's this next part? Oh, preferred meal preparations. Let's see...yes...yes...normal... _She smacked her forehead. _It says right here that he prefers skim milk...I'm so dense..._

She went on. Now she was deeper into the files the Marine Corps. had transferred to the hospital. After reading a few lines, she quickly flipped the page. _I…don't really want to know what happened. If he's deformed, then it must have been something awful. I don't think I'd be able to stomach it._ Despite this, she flipped back to the previous page. _But I have to. What good is a nurse who doesn't even know what her patient went through?_ She sighed.

"Rong, I don't think I'm good enough for this…"

Silence. She glanced down at the sheet.

"Squad Tango was performing a mission of clearing rebels from an old, abandoned warehouse. The patient in question was in the middle of the group, Tango's leader being in the front. After a brief exchange of fire, the rebels fled the warehouse and headed for a field about 30 meters away. Tango pursued the rebels until they opted to fall back and come up with a strategy to surround them. It was decided that Private Tao and Private Diethel would take a roundabout route in order to chase the rebels to where the rest of the squad was waiting so they could ambush them.

"However, the enemy had gone back to their base and rounded up reinforcements. When Privates Tao and Diethel encountered them, they were outnumbered. Private Tao tried to give Private Diethel cover fire so he could escape. The standoff eventually moved to a mine field--,"

She quickly closed the packet and shoved it under her lunch tray, staring into her soup. "So his face is like that because he was making sure that a fellow soldier could get away. This didn't need to happen to him. It's...so sad."

She slowly chewed her food as she thought. "Can I do something to make this easier for him? To bring a smile to his face?" She reluctantly took the packet out again, sighing as she skimmed it for clues. Her eyes rested on his favorite foods. "Peach buns..." She smiled.

**

* * *

**

The next day, Pin-Mei tentatively opened her patient's door, quietly slipping in and closing it behind her. With a small plate in her left hand, she walked over to his bed, finding that a thin curtain had been put up.

_Is he asleep? Did I come at a bad time?_ She took a couple steps back, contemplating whether she should leave the plate there or not.

"What is it?"

His stiff voice made her jump as his shadow slowly sat up. "Um…Er…Did-did I wake you?"

"No. I try not to sleep that much."

She cocked her head. "Why is that? Don't you know it's detrimental to your health if you don't get enough sleep?"

"Of course I know."

"Then…why?"

"That's my question. Why are you here. It's not time for dinner yet."

Her hands were shaking. _Should I be doing this? Should I just tell him I came to say hello and leave? Am I crossing a boundary? Especially when it's only my second day taking care of him?_

She gripped the plate tightly in an attempt to still her hands.

_No. This is okay. It's my job to make him as comfortable as possible. That packet said this is his favorite food, so would he appreciate something like this? I know I would. We may not be alike, but I think anyone would feel some sort of thankfulness at someone giving them their favorite food._

She stood firm with her feet together. To make sure her voice was bright, she put on a big smile. "I brought you something."

There was a pause. "What is it - more bandages."

"No! Of course not, silly! It's something I really think you'll like."

He scoffed at her, then paused again. "What's that smell."

She giggled. "I don't know. Would you like to find out?"

He turned his head, seemingly trying to look at her through the curtain, as if to study her. After some thinking, he moved the plastic tray attached to his bed so it stuck out of the curtains.

"Put it on there. And don't even try to look."

"Okay!" She walked over and set the plate on the tray, then walked back to where she had been standing.

He leaned over to bring the tray back, but winced with a barely audible groan, and held his right side. Finally, the tray went to his side of the curtains. Pin-Mei quietly clasped her hands together when he froze, his body leaning over with his right arm outstretched. After he had dragged himself to where he had been before, he positioned the tray in front of himself. She could tell he was looking down at the food, and was eagerly awaiting his reaction.

"What's this for." His tone was as brisk as always.

Her smile faded slightly, but she tried to recover it. "Your file listed this under your meal preparations, so I thought that maybe you'd feel a little more at home if I made you some."

He glanced at her shadow, then at his plate. Slowly, he picked up one of the peach buns and took a small bite from it. After he swallowed it, he looked at it. "You made these."

She nodded enthusiastically. "Y-Yes, I did! It was hard to find a recipe that seemed correct, and some of the ingredients were hard to find, and they were a challenge to make, but I thought it would be worth it if it could make your day just a little better."

He nodded as he thought about her response. "You can leave now. Come back at six."

Her smile vanished. They hadn't been good enough. "Yes, of course."

Trying to cover her eyes with one hand, she left the room. She shut the door, then leaned against the clean white wall next to it.

"That's okay…" she whispered. "It was only my first time making them; no wonder they'd taste like crap. It doesn't matter…I don't care about what he thinks. I tried my best, isn't that what matters?" But then she slumped to the ground, hugging her knees and burying her face in them. She sobbed quietly, not wanting him to know what he had done to her.

There was a light prod to her shin. Slowly, she looked up to see Anna looking down at her. "What did you do now? And do you know why the kitchen is such a mess?"

Pin-Mei just stared up at her before standing and throwing her arms around her. "ANNA!!" she wailed.

Anna pushed her away. "I asked what was going on – I didn't tell you to touch me."

"S-Sorry," Pin-Mei replied as she wiped her eyes.

"What are you blubbering about?"

"I…I worked so hard on those peach buns!" she cried.

"…What?"

"I…I made Mr. Tao some peach buns since the file said it was his favorite food and I thought that if I made him some then he'd feel happier and more relaxed and maybe not be so mean but he took one bite and then told me to leave so I did and now--,"

"Were you speaking some foreign language? Because I didn't understand a word of that."

The intern bit her lip. "I worked so hard to make those peach buns! How could he just brush me off like that without at least saying 'Thanks for the thought'? How…can someone be so cruel?"

Anna sighed. "You really don't know anything, do you?"

"W-What do you mean?"

Anna grabbed a black braid and began pulling Pin-Mei down the hall.

"Ow…ow…ow…Anna, why can't you just grab my wrist like a normal person?"

"You used your hands to wipe your runny nose of emotion, so I'm not going to touch it."

"Annaaaa…" she groaned.

"Stop complaining." She let go and marched over to the information rack. After surveying it for a few seconds, she took a small booklet from it and walked back over. She held it out to Pin-Mei, who glanced at the cover.

"'Posttraumatic Stress Disorder'? What's this for?"

"It's for you to learn how to understand Mr. Sunshine in room 312."

"But I don't really know that this condition is…"

"Basically, people decided 'shellshock' wasn't a good phrase, so someone decided to call it this instead. They're the same thing."

"But don't people with shell - er - PTSD usually just sit and scream a lot?"

"You watch too much television. Just read it, and keep rereading it so I don't have to go out my way to do something for you every single time I see you."

"Y-Yes, ma'am…"

"Good." She walked away.

"Oh, um, thank you!"

She waved her off. After she was gone, Pin-Mei went to go find someplace quiet to read.

**

* * *

**

"'…Victims of PTSD will sometimes feel like the event that is causing them stress is happening all over again. They may experience this suddenly both during the day and when they are sleeping. Sufferers are known to develop insomnia as a way to try to escape the event from "happening again".

"'The subject may also develop a sense of depression, loneliness, and not be able to associate with people normally. They can sometimes become emotionally numb and be insensitive to the feelings of a friend or relative that they have known and loved since before the incident, showing that this aspect of the disease does not discriminate. Patients are also easy to anger and are easily startled, so great care must be taken so that they feel understood and cared for. However, caresses that the patient may deem inappropriate, such as hugging, kissing, or cuddling, will only cause them to withdraw more.'"

"Kissing..."

Pin-Mei blinked, then looked up at the ceiling. A picture of her throwing back the curtain and kissing her patient shot into her mind before she had a chance to stop it.

"N-No! I can't think about things like that!" she cried. She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head until the vision was gone. She sighed and looked at the ground. "Why did I even think about that...?"

After several moments of staring at the clean hospital tile, she turned the page, glancing at the instructions dictating how to help patients and what to do in certain situations. "Mr. Tao...What happened was really awful, wasn't it?"

As she walked by room 312, she glanced at the file in the plastic container on the wall. Hesitantly, she took the file from the wall, holding it in front of her.

"I...I owe it to him, no matter how devastating it is. I owe it to him to try to understand him as best as I can."

She started walking down the hall, once again looking for a place to read, when Celia came stomping down the hall. The girl froze, then put the file at the bottom of a stack she was carrying.

"Where have you been? I must have paged you at least three times!"

"I'm sorry..."

She sighed. "Just go to room 347 and talk to the patient in there. He's about to have some surgery, and is on the edge about it. Try to calm him down."

Pin-Mei nodded slowly. "Yes, ma'am."

Celia stared at her, surprised that she didn't stutter, then walked away. The intern looked at the file, then put it back in the plastic holder next to the door. "Later. Someone else needs me now."

She silently walked down the hall, not paying attention to the doctors rushing by her or the soldiers being whisked in on stretchers. Finally, she looked up to find that she had arrived at her destination. She glanced at the patient's file to see what the surgery was for, then entered the room.

"Why, hello there!" She closed the door behind her and sat on a stool next to the patient's bed. "So, Mr. Asakura, you're going to have some surgery done on your arm, right?"

Yoh looked up at her with a nervous smile. "Yeah. There's no use in putting it off. I'll need it at some point, so I figured, why not just get it done now?"

She smiled, lifting a fist and pumping it minimally. "That's the spirit! Face it head-on!"

They each let out an uneasy chuckle. Yoh then closed his eyes, smiled, and looked up at the ceiling.

"If it weren't for my brother, I don't think it'd be as easy to smile through this," he said quietly.

She tilted her head. "He comes to see you a lot according to your visitor log."

"Yeah...Bringing me oranges and just talking to me. My parents come too, but it's just different when he's there."

"He seems like a hard person to understand. I get mixed signals from him..."

Yoh laughed lightly. "A lot of people say that, but I know him better than anyone, and he knows me the same way. He may seem like he's up to no good sometimes, but his heart's in the right place. He knows what to do when I can't smile. Like he can read minds or something." He closed his eyes and smiled again. "I'm just glad to have someone on my side right now."

Pin-Mei fell silent. Mr. Tao didn't have anyone like that; not that she knew of anyway. She could see Hao coming to visit his brother almost daily, but she never saw anyone coming in or out of Ren's room aside from hospital staff. Where were his loved ones when he needed them most?

"What are you doing in here?" came a brisk voice.

Pin-Mei flinched before slowly turning to see Anna with a miffed expression on her face. Nothing scared her more than an angry Anna.

"C-C-Celia told me to come cheer him up before his surgery, so I--"

"Well, you can go now. This is _my_ patient, so I have no idea why she would have you come and talk to him." She looked up at the clock. "Besides, it's past six, and Private Grumpy Pants will be wanting his dinner."

Pin-Mei's eyes shot open as she looked up at the clock; it was six fifteen. She jumped up, thanking Anna before quickly running out of the room, leaving the couple to stare after her.

**

* * *

**

Pin-Mei speed-walked down the halls as quickly as she could, careful of the tray she was holding. She knew that "Mr. Sunshine" wasn't going to appreciate a late dinner, and she was dreading his wrath. But this didn't change the fact that what she was doing was important, and was something that needed to be done.

As she neared the door, she balanced the tray on the palm of her right hand, grasping the knob with her left. "Mr. Tao, I'm coming in," she said before entering.

Looking around, she saw that he was laying down in bed, his body twitching slightly. Curious, she placed the tray on the drawer that his clothes were kept in and inched closer. She could hear small moans coming from behind the thin barrier, causing her to tense.

_Is he having a nightmare? Should I wake him up?_ She crept over to the curtain, reaching out to touch it. _I could look at him right now and he'd never know. _But she retracted her hand. _No,__ I'm supposed to respect his privacy, so I won't._

As the moans continued, she looked down at her shoes, trying to decide what she should do.

_If I reach through the curtain to shake him, he might think I was trying to look at him…How can I wake him up without touching him?_

As she was thinking, she heard a door slam from down the hall, the sudden noise causing her to jump. She looked behind her, placing her hand on her sternum as she tried to calm down.

_That scared me! I wish they'd be more considerate of the other patients. What if some of them are sleeping? It'd be so rude to wake them up…_

She paused, the idea finally popping into her head.

_I'm going to get in so much trouble…_

But as another sound of pain came from her patient, she knew that she had little choice. She could either place the food on the bed's tray and then leave him to suffer through whatever flashback he was experiencing, or she could try to help him whilst risking punishment from her superior.

_I can't just abandon him when he's like this…_

Pin-Mei walked over to the open door and grabbed the knob. She pulled back and slammed it shut. As the noise echoed throughout the room, she could hear the gasp of him jerking awake.

"Good evening, Mr. Tao!" she said, trying to sound peppy. "It's time for a lovely dinner of stewed steak with dumplings! Of course, I brought you some skim milk, too!" She heard him yawn and tilted her head, a weak smile on her lips. "Did I…wake you? I'm sorry."

The shadow shook its head. "No. I'd been sleeping for too long anyway."

A look of pity crossed her face, knowing that he was lying, but she brought the tray over anyway. "Can you swing your little table over for me so I can give you your food?"

After some grunting, it appeared. As she was about to place the tray on it, she stopped. An empty plate was sitting on it, the sweet smell of peach buns emitting from it. She picked it up and studied it, then placed it on the bureau and gave the marine his dinner.

He gave a low murmur, which she suspected was some sort of attempt to thank her. She smiled and sat down on the stool.

"I don't need you anymore. You can leave."

Of course, it hurt her when he said these things, but she couldn't blame him for it.

"Do you mind if I stay here? I don't really have anything else to do."

"I'm sure you could find something."

"Plus, I want to make sure I'm here if you need me. I have to make sure you know you're not alone."

There was a "clink" as the metal spoon hit the plate, followed by a long pause. She waited for his response, slightly regretting being so affectionate. True, she was a nurse, and part of her job was to provide emotional therapy and support, but he didn't seem to want any of that.

The clinking started again, signaling that he had resumed eating. He had ignored her statement. She sat on her hands and looked down at her feet.

"Mr. Tao…"

"What."

She cringed. His voice was cold enough to turn her to ice.

"Do you…dislike me?"

Another clink. His shadow seemed to look over at her from behind the curtain.

"I don't know."

This made her anxious. She wanted an answer. "How can you not know?"

Silence.

"I just feel that way toward everyone."

She froze. He was this apathetic all the time? "What about your parents? Are you like this when they come see you?"

Silence.

"They don't. They're back in China. I'm here by myself."

She covered her mouth, hating herself for pointing it out. "I'm sorry…"

He made a small noise, then went right back to eating. She lowered her head, not knowing what to do. Finally, she stood.

"I guess I'll go, then," she said. "I don't want to bother you."

"You might as well just stay. I'm almost done anyway."

She smiled and sat down again. "Okay." She listened to him eat, tilting her head and smiling. When he finished and put the plate on the small movable table, she collected it and got ready to make her exit.

"I didn't tell you to leave."

She looked back at him, stunned. "You usually can't wait to get rid of me." She put the tray back on the bureau and sat in the chair again.

There was silence. Pin-Mei clicked her heels together as she waited. "S-So..."

"Those peach buns...They weren't horrible."

Her eyes widened and she smiled, her cheeks slightly hot. "T-Thank you..." she whispered. "I worked hard on them."


	2. Chapter 2

A year later, here's chapter two! I originally was going to leave it as a oneshot, despite the fact that I have a mini-story planned (4-5 chapters max), but a few people recently asked for a second chapter, so here we are. I hope you enjoy this second installment.

* * *

**War and Soul: Chapter Two**

**

* * *

**

"You should be ashamed of yourself, Pin-Mei, causing such a racket and disturbing the patients! Didn't your parents teach you to be considerate of others when they're asleep? You can't just walk down the hall slamming all the doors you like!"

Pin-Mei cringed as she listened to Celia's verbal assault. A patient had complained about both door slammings from earlier that day, and another intern ratted that they had seen her slam room 312's door. Of course, this logically meant that both occurrences were her fault. She tried to explain to Celia that she had only slammed one door, and for a good reason too, but it made little difference to her supervisor.

The woman leveled with her. "This is your first strike, Pin-Mei. Two more, and you're gone. You're very fortunate to have this internship in the first place, and I promise you that we have no shortage of applicants who would just love to take your spot. Understand?"

She nodded minimally. "Y-Yes, ma'am."

"Good. Now go home for tonight. Mr. Tao is sleep deprived, and I can't have you disturbing him." Celia gave her a light tap on the backside to coax her out of the room.

Pin-Mei felt the wind of the door slamming behind her. Part of her wanted to protest and tell her boss that she was a hypocrite, but that would inevitably earn her another strike. Not to mention that she had the spine of a jelly fish. She wiped her eyes and went to put her things in her locker.

As she put her sweater on, bracing for the frigid weather outside, she thought about why she had been scolded in the first place. Had it really been worth it? Why did she care so much?

_Be...Because it's my job..._

She was being paid to care. It had nothing to do with her personality. There was no chance that she was actually beginning to develop an attachment to someone who seemed to loathe her very being.

That's what she kept telling herself anyway.

"Take care when you go outside. It's below freezing."

Pin-Mei paused before turning to smile at a fellow intern. "Thank you, Jeanne. I will," she said hesitantly.

The girl smiled at her, then turned gracefully and went to see to her patients. As the last of her beautiful silver hair fluttered around the corner, the girl's smile faded and she looked at the tiled floor. Pin-Mei tried to ignore her, she really did. It wasn't as if Jeanne had said those things out of malice and fake caring – she had meant every word, and Pin-Mei knew that. Still, there was that slight twinge of jealousy within her whenever the silver-haired angel inadvertently overshadowed anything she did. She struggled to make up for her short comings by trying to show what areas she excelled in, which worked until she noticed that Jeanne had her beaten in every aspect of being a nurse. The grace, the demeanor, the kindness and faith in recovery, and the utter devotion she displayed was undeniable.

_It's a wonder that Mr. Tao wasn't given to __**her**__, _she thought. She stopped. _Wait, why didn't they? If he was such a special case, why give him to me and not someone who's more capable and more likely to bring him out of his shell?_

It was almost a good feeling. Even if the only reason was that too many other patients had been entrusted to Jeanne for her to take on a 'problem' patient, she was grateful that she had been given a chance to show Celia just what she could do.

She could already feel the cold air while walking the corridors on her way out. It didn't help that she had to walk home. With the fresh, unplowed snow on the ground, running wasn't an option, either.

_Maybe I should get a taxi. Oh, right - I'm poor. Scratch that._

She glanced aimlessly. Her eyes fell on the name plate for room 312. She stopped and stared at the door, wondering where it came from. Had it stalked her? Warped through time and space? Or...

"GAH! I went the wrong way!" She clutched her head and shook it. With a sigh, she turned and started to head back.

* * *

"What are you doing here."

Pin-Mei squirmed as she stood in front of his curtain. She had somehow ended up in her patient's room. The door had called to her, and refused to be ignored.

"I...don't know...I..."

He sighed. "I'm trying to read and here you are, barging in on me. Didn't I tell you not to come unless I tell you to."

She flushed. "Actually...you didn't..."

He made an annoyed sound. "Well, I'm saying it now. I've had my dinner. I don't need you. Leave."

She slowly removed her gloves. "I will. I was on my way out, as a matter of fact. I just...I...um...do you need anything?"

"I just told you I don't."

"Oh...yeah..." She looked at her shoes. "Are you going to sleep soon?"

"That's none of your concern."

She scratched her head. "Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm off duty now, anyway...ahaha..." When she glanced up, his shadow was studying her. She gave an uneasy smile. "Are you sure there's nothing I can get you?"

He thought for a moment. "...I suppose I could use a drink."

Pin-Mei lit up. "Of course! I'll be right back!"

She left the room, careful to close the door gently. She was hardly able to contain her excitement as she dashed to the cafeteria. Nothing could wipe the smile off her face when she took the drink from the latte bar and smelled the sweetness that rose from it. A dash of flavor and a vitamin were added before she finally deemed the beverage worthy of her patient. It took all the patience she had not to run down the hall, and thus spill the drink she had perfected to his tastes, as well as her own wishes and intentions.

"I'm back!" she called, opening the door.

Her patient's shadow glanced up at her. "You're slow."

She giggled. "I had it made especially for you, so I wanted to make sure it was perfect. Here..."

With an accomplished, closed-eyed smile on her face, she hastily held the drink out to him, bypassing the swivel table.

Ren quickly flinched away from her, turning his body around so she couldn't see his face. He didn't want to admit that her sudden movement of invading his space had scared the ever-living crap out of him.

When he didn't take it, she curiously opened her eyes. It wasn't until she saw him turned away that she realized her folly. She squeezed her eyes shut again.

"I-I'm really sorry!" she cried. With her head down, she held the drink out to him once more, her arms more extended to put space between them.

"Just put it down," he said, his voice shaking slightly. "Put it down. And get out."

She opened her eyes. His upper body was trembling, and he was panting as if he had just run a marathon. It was soon obvious to her that she had done something to cause those painful memories of his deployment to resurface. She stared at him wide-eyed.

_I...I scared him...Even though I read all those things about his condition...I still scared him...How could I be so stupid?_

She stared at her liquid reflection remorsefully. "I'm truly sorry, Mr. Tao...Please forgive me..." she whispered as she set the steaming drink on the tray. When he didn't reply, she bowed and slowly backed out of the room.

It wasn't until he heard the door close that his body relaxed. Slowly, he turned back around, looking out of the corner of his eye to make sure she was really gone. He breathed a sigh of relief and sat back against his pillow. He soon picked up a small mirror on the nightstand closest to his window and looked into it. After gritting his teeth in repulsion, he touched the left side of his face.

There was a reason why the mirror was so small. Even he didn't want to be reminded of how his appearance had changed. He knew his patient file had a pre-war picture attached to it, and he didn't want to disappoint his nurse by allowing her to find out that he was no longer as handsome as he once was.

That was what he thought, anyway.

He put the mirror down and turned his attention to the drink Pin-Mei had brought him. It was still warm, and he savored the feeling in his hands for a few moments before taking a sip.

Ten minutes later, he was fast asleep, the warm vanilla laden milk sprinkled with cinnamon having served its purpose.

* * *

The next day, Pin-Mei solemnly hung up her coat and put her hat, gloves, and scarf in her locker. Two mistakes in one day. She was sure that her patient would have reported her for her intrusiveness. Then Celia would find out that Pin-Mei had gone to see him despite being warned not to disturb him.

_Two strikes..._

She had been doing well before this. She had worked so hard to be selected for such a high-level co-op internship, and her parents had been thrilled when she had made the cut. Before, she had been meek and well-behaved, always following the rules. Now, she couldn't seem to stop breaking them.

_I just..._

She heard the heavy footsteps of her supervisor coming from down the hall. As Celia passed her, Pin-Mei shrunk against the locker, looking up at the woman with puppy eyes. Celia stopped, then sighed before turning to her.

"You're not still shaken up by what I said yesterday, are you?" she asked in an annoyed tone.

The intern hesitantly nodded. Celia groaned.

"Well, forget about it."

Pin-Mei looked up at her in surprise. Forget about it? After all that? After her job had been threatened?

"I spoke to your patient. He said he was only awoken by a slamming door once, and that you were with him for a while, so you probably weren't the one who slammed the other door."

Her eyes widened. "He...said that?"

"What? You think I'm lying to you? He's pulled you out of a hole, Pin-Mei. You better take excellent care of him."

She straightened, giving a stiff salute. "Y-YES, MA'AM!!"

With that, she dashed down the hall. It was lunch time, and she was going to make sure that her patient got the best that the cafeteria had to offer.

As she loaded the tray with food according to his preparations plan, she spaced for a few seconds.

_Why would he save me like that after what I did to him? He seemed really scared...And he doesn't seem to be the type to just forgive and forget. Why...?_

The halls were busy, as she had to hold her thoughts as she waded through patients and coworkers. Finally, she reached her destination.

She slowly opened the door. Sure enough, he was sitting up behind the curtain. The sight of him made her want to pounce on him and squeeze the life out of him in gratitude for him bailing her out, but then remembered what she had done the night before.

_I still don't understand why he lied to Celia to cover for me. After all...I hurt him because of how stupid I am._

"How long are you going to just stand there?"

She looked up at him slowly. "Mr. Tao...are you--"

"You're late. Do your job and then you can stand around all you want."

His words hit her. She knew she should have been used to his brash attitude by now, but it always gave her a pinch of pain to be spoken to in such a way. But he was right. She was ten minutes late, and there was a good chance that he was hungry.

"Yes, of course."

She brought the tray over to him, but saw that his swivel was already out and waiting for her. Solemnly, she set it down and took a few steps back.

He let out a small grunt of gratitude, then began eating silently. She watched him through the curtain, then looked at the ground, wringing her hands. The guilt was coming back with a vengeance. Her thoughts swirled around, compounding with every second that passed.

Finally, the tears came. He was ignoring her, unwilling to talk about what she had done, and then how he had saved her. She was struggling with the simplest things, things that should be second nature by now. All she wanted was to be a good nurse who took care of her patients and was able to make them happy or at least more at ease during their recovery. But she knew she would never be on the same level as her coworker.

There was a clanging of silverware as he looked over at her.

"What are you going on about now?"

She couldn't stop shaking. "I'm sorry…" she whispered.

"Hm."

She fell to her knees, then down to the floor, her hands over her eyes. "I'm sorry for what I did yesterday, I really truly am. I never intended to scare you. I wasn't trying to look at your face, either. Really, I wasn't."

She looked up at him, hoping for some sort of reaction. Not a single word came from behind the curtain. She trembled more, afraid that he was furious with her.

"I'm really sorry," she repeated over and over again.

Her cries rang in his ears, making it impossible for him to simply tune her out. "Stop crying," he said in a brisk whisper.

"B-But I…"

"Stop crying."

"I don't know what else to do, I…"

"I SAID STOP IT."

She flinched. He had always spoken with a dull, monotone voice. It was hard to tell when he was asking a question at times because the tone never changed. _I must have really made him mad._

He clenched a fist around some of his blanket. "Just stop it. I don't want to listen to it anymore."

Pin-Mei wiped her eyes as she looked up at him. "I can't help it. I'm just such a failure. I made you remember what you've been through, and I know I've upset you. I just keep hurting you when I'm supposed to help you heal! I just…I just…I want to do my best to take care of you and cheer you up even though you've been to hell and back. I…want you to be happy."

The last sentence hit him hard. His eyes twitched, unable to make themselves widen in surprise. Her words made him so frustrated that anger set in.

"I didn't ask for any of that. Just bring me my meals according to my schedule. That's all you're here to do."

She bit her lip, trying not to burst into tears once again. "I know that, but please, let me try. Tell me what I can do for you to make up for what a dunce I am. Please…I'll do anything."

He lowered his head as he thought. Finally, he looked up.

"Close your eyes. And don't you dare peek."

She wanted to question the significance of something so simple, but remembered her words and obeyed. "O-Okay. They're closed."

Ren hesitated, then peeked out from behind the curtain to make sure she was telling the truth. He slowly pulled back the curtain a little ways to get a clear glimpse at her. When she realized what he was doing, her heart began pounding so hard and so fast that she was sure it would come flying out of her chest.

He silently studied her, remembering the quick glance he had stolen when her head was down a few days before. She wasn't gorgeous, but pretty enough to be pleasing to the eye.

He quickly decided that he never wanted her to look at him. She was far too sensitive to deal with it if she cried over something he ultimately deemed small when the day was done and he was out of the situation.

When he'd had his fill, he closed the curtain again. "You can open your eyes now."

She did, slowly. He was hidden again. She looked down at the floor, her hands tightly clasped.

"Why did you do that?" she asked timidly.

"Because you said you would do anything."

She almost pursued the matter, but dropped it. By his answer, she could tell that he wasn't going to give a reason.

There was silence. Pin-Mei was working up the courage to make her own request. It didn't ease her fear of his reaction. Still, she knew she would regret it if she didn't even try.

She took a deep breath. "M-Mr. Tao?"

"What."

"Uh-uh-um…well…Let's see…"

"Spit it out."

"C-CAN I SEE YOUR FACE?"

He closed his eyes and breathed. "No."

"…Someday?"

"No."

She shifted her gaze to her hands. "Oh…I understand…" She looked up again. "But if you do, I won't judge you! Celia already told me that something happened, but it won't make me dislike you, I promise!"

"You won't be looking at me. Stay over there where you belong."

_Where I belong?_

She took a few steps toward the curtain. He tried to inch away from her.

"What are you doing."

She turned so she was facing the door, then very slowly slipped her arm in between the fabric and the wall. She wouldn't be frightening him again.

He glanced at the small, pale hand. Failing to see what she was trying to accomplish, he frowned. "What do you want."

She stiffened. "You don't want me to see you, but…I just want to feel your hand. It's all I'll ask for. I promise."

He didn't understand why she was so intent on things like this. If she was told his face had been permanently scarred, and she had seen his photo from before his deployment, why would she want to shatter that image she had? But maybe if he did this, he could hide behind this curtain forever.

He slowly rested his hand on hers, their palms against each other.

She closed her eyes, taking in how warm his hand was. Still, she could tell it was the hand of a soldier. The palm was rough and calloused from gun handling and the rough gloves he had to wear.

His eyes didn't leave their hands.

"Hey," she whispered.

"What."

"Did you lie to cover for me?"

"Hm."

"To Celia."

He paused.

"Why would I lie on your behalf."

_That's what I would like to know as well._ She squeezed his hand. "Thank you."

Ren turned his head away, knowing she couldn't see him anyway.

"Foolish little girl."

* * *

"What are you so happy about?"

Pin-Mei continued beaming as she washed her patient's dishes. Anna watched skeptically.

"You usually hate doing the dishes. Spill it."

The intern put the plate in the strainer and turned to her. "I feel like Mr. Tao is opening up to me. It's nice. He doesn't kick me out when he's eating, either." She clapped her hands. "We might even be friends soon!"

Anna rolled her eyes. "I really wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you. He seems like a lost cause."

Pin-Mei's face fell. "But…he's…"

"Believe what you want. I can't make you see the truth." She folded her arms. "And even if you _did_ become 'friends', then what? Once he heals, he'll be discharged and you won't see him again."

Pin-Mei looked down, stunned. It had never occurred to her that the day would come when he would leave the hospital. But now she could see plainly how naive she had been. He would either go back to Harvard, or to China to be with his family. Either way, he wouldn't be with her forever.

_Wait, why do I care? He's just a patient. Of course he's going to leave. No one wants to live in a hospital for the rest of their life. I know I don't…_

Anna watched her. "It looks like you're finally getting it. It's a bad idea to have a full-fledged relationship with a patient. You'll only end up disappointed. Especially with an icy bastard like him." She turned and began walking out of the room. "You're a dolt sometimes, but hopefully you've learned something."

"Yeah…" the girl replied absentmindedly, her lips barely moving. She looked into the soapy water. "I don't have a reason to care. Anna's right, he's really snippy with me and never says anything positive or nice. In fact, he's—"

"_Those peach buns…they weren't horrible."_

She bit her lip. She had been giving him special treatment for no reason. "I just feel sorry for him," she whispered to herself. "I just…"

The clock caught her eye.

"His dinner!"

She bolted to the cafeteria. She took a tray and went to wait in line to get her patient's food. As the line slowly progressed, her mind cruelly took the opportunity to help her dwell on the scenario Anna had presented.

_How much longer will he be here? Once his face heals, he'll have no reason to stay here, right? I mean, I don't think he has any injuries aside from that._ She gripped the edges of the tray tightly. _How much time do I have left?_

A nurse from behind nudged her. "Stop holding up the line, intern!"

"Huh?" Pin-Mei looked up to see that there was a huge gap between her and the person in front of her. A chef looked over the glass at her and flashed a sarcastic smile and a stiff, one movement wave. "Oh…"

She slowly made her way around the cafeteria, meal plans in hand. Tonight would be chicken stirfry with a side of potatoes and brown rice.

"If I wasn't so broke I'd eat here, gosh…" She examined the list once more. "That, milk, napkins, utensils, okay, I think I've got everything. Yay!"

Just as she was about to turn and leave, a small platter of candy caught her eye. Various Hershey products were separated into small dishes and bowls.

"Huuu…I want some…" But through her whining, she smiled. She got a small bag from the snack cart and took a handful of the smaller treats. _I hope he likes these. A little chocolate can be good every now and then, even for a health buff like him._ She quickly glanced around and then stole a few more into her pocket.

Her trek to room 312 was a silent one. After being reminded that her patient would be leaving one day, it was hard to keep smiling. He couldn't see her, true, but he could hear her. He needed to hear a high, happy voice to keep spirits up, or so she thought. An unhappy nurse was a lazy nurse doing only half her job, and she refused to be that. She just needed to think pleasant thoughts, then the smile would come naturally.

When she closed her eyes, all she could think about was the warmth of his hand.

_Stop it! There has to be something else I can think of!_

She paused, the image of a red-haired woman flashing in her mind – smiling and winking at her while offering advice, giving her nervous looks when Pin-Mei did something silly, grinding noogies into her skull and messing up her hair…the thumbs up she gave with a triumphant smile before patting her friend on the head and walking away.

"_I'll be back in eight months. Stay out of trouble, okay?_"

She didn't know the difference between eight months and forever. Her head bowed and she gripped the tray even tighter.

_Rong…_

A few tears fell into the mashed potatoes, causing her to snap out of her trance. She flailed (as much as one can whilst holding a tray) and looked down at the meal nervously.

"I hope it doesn't taste salty now…"

She turned her head to wipe her eyes on the shoulders of her uniform, and then forced a smile. _If I just sound happy, he won't know the difference, right?_ She nodded to herself and opened the door.

"Sorry I'm late!" she said loudly as she entered.

From behind the curtain, he sat up slightly. "Where were you. It's rude to make me wait almost a half hour for my meals."

Pin-Mei placed the tray on his bureau and took out the bag. "I was getting a special treat for you."

"I didn't ask for a special treat."

"I know, but I did it anyway!" She took out one of the candies. "Okay, hold out your hand!"

"Why should I."

"So I can give you your treat, silly!"

He sat quietly for a moment, turning the decision over in his head. Finally, his hand slowly peeked out from behind the curtain. Thrilled that he listened to her, she placed it in his hand.

""Mmmwah!" she said as she pressed it into his plam.

Ren flinched minimally, then took his hand back and examined it. "What was that about."

The intern giggled. "I made a kissing sound because I was giving you a Hershey Kiss! Get it?" When he didn't reply, she laughed nervously. He didn't think it was funny. After clicking her heels together a few times, she picked up the tray. "Ahahaha…Well, anyway…"

"Why are you so fake today."

The question stabbed her. Despite her best efforts, he had seen through her façade. Still, she attempted to laugh it off. "What do you mean? I'm always like this! Just your normal stupid, happy, obnoxious Pin-Mei at your service!"

"I mean it. Drop the act. I could tell from the moment you walked in that you were faking it. Don't you dare lie to me."

Dumbfounded, she stared at the ground with wide eyes. "I-I-I…"

"You might as well just spill it. It's better than having to listen to how plastic you are."

His tone was as brisk and cold as ever. How would he react if he knew that he was the reason for her sadness? It was a given that he wouldn't be too sympathetic, but if she lied and tried to give a phony reason, he might sense it and become more annoyed.

"Well," he demanded curtly, snapping his head toward her.

Pin-Mei wrung her hands and looked up at him. "M-Mr. Tao, I…um…how much longer do you think you'll be here?"

"I don't remember that being any business of yours."

Her eyes drifted to the ground. "Oh…I see…Even so, I'm just curious."

The shadow looked down at his lap, sighing. "A month, maybe. Could be more, could be less."

Her breathing hitched. Only a month? It had already been a week, which had gone by all too quickly. He could be gone before she knew it. Even if he was cold and antisocial, even if she had never seen his face, she knew that behind the curtain there was a kind man locked inside a broken body. If he left without her being able to set him free, it would be nearly impossible for her to consider this a job well done.

"Stop crying. You do it too much."

Pin-Mei looked up slightly. A few teardrops were on the platter. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I-I'm just going to miss you." She bit her lip and tried to calm herself down. She hadn't wanted to get so worked up. Surely his response would not be kind, nor would he be touched.

He scoffed at her. "You're a fool. Only an idiot nurse would care about her patients like that. I never asked for your sympathy. I never asked for any of your special treatment, but still you waste your time and energy on me. I don't even want to know why you're doing all of this. Maybe your boyfriend was killed in action. Maybe you lost a friend. Or maybe your parents simply didn't love you enough. Whatever it is, it's not my problem. Don't dump your emotional baggage on me."

His caretaker cringed. "O-Of course it isn't! I never mean to trouble you! I just want to make you feel comfortable and feel better!"

"Silence. You're a nuisance."

She froze, unable to find anything to say in reply. Before she knew it was crying again.

"I told you to stop crying," he said with a stiff darkness in his voice.

She looked up slightly, then down again. "I-I won't," she whispered. "You…You've hurt my feelings, so I'll cry as much as I want…!"

He narrowed his eyes. "Are you trying to guilt me into apologizing. It won't work. Your tears mean nothing to me." There was a beat of silence. "Now, just give me my—"

"LIAR!" she yelled, causing him to visibly flinch. "If I don't mean anything to you, then why did you tell Celia that I wasn't the one who slammed the doors?! I _must_ mean something to you!"

He glared at her through the curtain. "I simply don't like change. If you were replaced, I would have to deal with adjusting to new nurse. It's too bothersome."

Her eyes were wide. She had believed that they had been getting closer. Now she knew that she was the only one who had felt that way. All she had done for him had been in vain. He seemed to loathe her just as much as he had in the beginning, if not more. She had honestly believed that she could conquer his condition and bring him out of his shell. She had been gravely mistaken.

"Now if you're done, I'd like my dinner."

There was dead silence. Then he could hear the tray shaking in her hands.

"What are you waiting fo—"

"You're a horrible person," Pin-Mei said, her voice quivering. "I don't even know why I tried so hard to make you like me in the first place. I've tried to understand your situation, but I don't see why you need to treat me like I'm a pest when I've only done everything in my power to help you. I don't deserve this…" She crunched inwardly, still shaking. "I don't deserve this…" She snapped her head up, tears in her eyes. "I DON'T DESERVE THIS!"

Pin-Mei turned and slammed the tray back on the dresser, the loud, smashing noise causing him to flinch and cower away from her.

"YOU CAN COME OVER HERE AND GET YOUR OWN FOOD! YOU HAVE TWO LEGS, DON'T YOU? I DON'T CARE IF YOU SERVED THIS COUNTRY! I'M NOT GOING TO HONOR SOMEONE WHO THINKS IT'S OKAY TO TREAT AN INNOCENT PERSON LIKE CRAP!!"

When he said nothing, she ran from the room, slamming the door on her way out.

Ren's eyes lowered, then pulled back the curtain slightly to glimpse at his faraway meal. With a deep breath, he dragged himself toward the edge of the bed. He moved the swivel table as close to the bureau as he could, then stretched for the tray. It was out of his reach. He looked back at his legs, frustrated, then tried again.

Just when he thought he almost had it, he lost his balance and began falling forward. Quickly, he grasped the extension of the mini-table and pulled himself back up. He looked at the tray again. It was hopeless.

He dragged himself back to his original position and fell against the pillow.

His dinner remained where it was. Soon, it was ice cold.

* * *

The next morning, as Pin-Mei slowly put her coat away, Anna walked up behind her, arms folded. When the girl turned, she jumped, letting out a little squeal.

"Don't do that! You scared me!"

Anna just stared at her.

"…What?"

The nurse sighed and shook her head. "You must be the most idiotic intern I've seen here in a long time. That's quite a feat, you know."

Pin-Mei looked at her, confused. "What do you mean?"

Anna glared at her, then produced a clipboard. Unlike last time, it was smacked on top of her head with great force.

"OW! What was that for?!"

Then she saw the look in Anna's eyes. She cringed.

"Celia is on the warpath looking for you. Hide and read this. All. Of. It. Don't you dare come out to face her until you do. And you better come up with a fucking good excuse for what you did yesterday."

Pin-Mei simply looked at the ground, then took the clip board. "Yes, ma'am…"

She left and hid in a bathroom stall. It was boring going over all the statistics again, but she did it, if not only to avoid incurring Anna's wrath once more.

She flipped a page. The PTSD pamphlet had been clipped into the packet, most likely put there by Anna. A black permanent marker had circled a small paragraph at the bottom.

"'PTSD may trigger a certain degree of paralysis within the patient's body, depending on the level of trauma experienced…'

"Why is this here?"

A post-it note was next to the brochure, an arrow pointing from it to a line she must have skipped in her initial skimming of his profile. Alarm filled her eyes, her pupils becoming tiny dots.

"Don't tell me…"

As she read the form, the clipboard fell from her hands and onto the floor. The crashing echoed throughout the room.

She knew it was strike two.


End file.
